A-Void-ing

I always feared graduation ever since the day I joined college, but now that it was actually close, I was super hyped for it, without thinking what was gonna happen after it.

Now it did, it’s been days, and I’ve felt the loneliest in the last 5 years I could. I have people around, sure, still talk to old friends, going back as far as nursery too, but I keep growing more and more distant from them. People I knew since childhood, then coaching, then college, online, people everywhere.

Maybe I’m actively trying to be distant from them, maybe to work on my own self. I told myself I’ve gotten old enough to now get serious about life. Make my own space in just a crowded place. At least be able to find myself in this big city. I am not trying to go away from my friends. I’m just trying to find myself. The issue of being an atheist, I think we don’t have a purpose. But I’m not that eccentric (at least not yet, though I 100% plan on being one when I grow to 45) to keep functioning well regardless of whether I have my purpose or identity.

I’ve been only calling a bunch of colleagues for work, and my 2-3 friends. And even they feel like they’re in a different state of mind and place. They are going through their own phase changes, walking their own paths. Others are younger, and just can’t even process what I might be going through. And it’s ok, I don’t really expect them to either. Of course no one owes anyone emotional support. We all have our own struggles, and we are all supposed to walk our roads alone, else no one will make it to the end. I don’t want to pull people down just because I feel alone. If you keep stopping more frequently for one tired guy in a trek, you will keep losing your momentum too, and get tired way earlier as well. So you keep walking at your pace.

But I don’t wanna lose them either. Maybe I’m losing my old self like I always planned to. And maybe that’s why neither they nor I feel like old times. I always wanted to undergo a metamorphosis. I knew someday I would have to let go and try to grow into adulthood. I just never knew it was gonna be this hard. And lonely.

I get it, maybe it’s my fault I’m growing distant from you. I don’t blame you, or myself either. No one is to blame. Most people feel the way they do because of their own actions, and it’s just denial when they don’t accept that almost every emotion we feel is just a reflection of our actions. I feel this way because of my actions. So I’m just sharing them with you.

I don’t know how long I will stay in this cocoon. I don’t wanna lose you, I just want to become better for you. Become what I want myself to be. Become what I must. The hardest part of being ambitious and unstable is that you are always alone. And I still signed up for it. Even if I don’t make it to the end. Even if I don’t get what I want. Maybe it’ll all go to waste, as well as what we could have become.

But I guess this is the choice I made. So, I’ll sit in my room woven with silk threads, code, drink my tea in the drizzly evening, gazing at the wet road from my balcony, go on meets with the colleagues, discuss Q3 projections, laugh at a joke or two of one of theirs, and think about you.